What a peculiar old year this has been! I feel like it would be strange to start a blog without addressing the major thing that’s going on in the world right now ……….. Covid-19 (you know just encase you didn’t know what I was talking about)!
This experience has made everyone stop and think for a minute. It’s made some people a little crazy (the bulk buying of toilet roll), some have suffered unimaginable loneliness and loss, and for others it’s been a time of reflection, of stillness, a time where we have been able to reevaluate the course of our lives, and plan for positive changes once covid allows us to live some kind of normal life again.
I feel like lockdown has really given me time to reflect and breathe. Whilst for some I know the suffering has been unbearable; for my little household we have had a positive experience.
Pre lockdown I thought I was relatively happy, with where I live, my children were happy at a school that we all loved and I saw absolutely no reason to make any major life changes. However I was also someone who never truly appreciated what I had – particularly materialistically. I live in a very affluent part of Hertfordshire, it’s not uncommon for my children to go to play dates in 2 million pound houses. When you collect them and bring them home to your 3 bed semi it’s easy to forget how blessed you are to have the things you have, and to feel ungrateful for the life you live. Covid has changed that; especially at the start. When we went into lockdown and I snuggled my little family in and we were safe, for the first time I appreciated my home like I never had before. I appreciated the fact I could open the doors and my children could spend hours playing in our garden, I appreciated that even though we have pretty much outgrown the space we are in and are falling over each other it was a safe space. We were thankful for my husband having a secure job and income that meant we could continue to put food on the table each day (and 20,000 snacks during), we were thankful that we even had a home to lockdown in, hey we even became thankful for toilet roll and pasta! The simple things that we / I took for granted previously all of a sudden seemed like the most precious things in the world.
Quarantine has made me question the very fundamentals of “normal life” and what that means to me, and I am realising that I am not sure I want to go back. The simplicity of lockdown life has given me some clarity on how I want to live my life going forward, and that’s definitely at a slower pace, with loved ones a little closer.
However with those thoughts needs to come actions and although I know that I don’t want to go back to running around filling mine and my children’s days with activities, I also don’t know if I am brave enough to make the big changes to our pretty happy life, and risk losing a life that 5 months ago I was pretty content living!
For the last 9 years that my husband Will has been in the Army, we have lived separately during the week and he comes home from where ever he is posted on a Friday night. Initially this choice wasn’t ours as we were not married and therefore not allowed to live in a Married Quarter. However I always knew / thought that living that Army wife life wasn’t for me. I didn’t want to live in a house I hadn’t chosen, I didn’t want to move my children to different schools every two years, I didn’t want to keep having to start again.
I won’t pretend being an almost single parent has been easy. The nights can be lonely, the days exhausting and some days I’ve been desperate for adult conversation, and someone to hand the babies over to so I could have a bath …… or a least pee alone. However generally it’s worked for our family. Although my children appear happy at school, I’ve seen dramatic improvements in various areas since they’ve been learning at home, not just academically but emotionally too. I’ve seen positive changes to self esteem, play, eating habits, sleep, confidence and even in the relationship of my two eldest children who seemed to have stopped being a team and would rather spend their days competing and arguing than enjoying each other’s company. I feel like I’ve got to know my children; which is strange to say seeing as I’m with them every day, but we bonded.
Pre Covid our life pace was fast, our daily rhythm was exhausting, and as a mum I said hold on a minute, hurry up, and we don’t have time probably more than anything else in a day. The alarm would go off at 6.45am and from the second we all opened our eyes it was all go. We would frantically rush around in the mornings (well I would, my kids seemed to get slower each day I got faster), I’d be making sure everyone’s faces were washed and teeth were brushed, signing letters, checking the calendar to make sure today wasn’t the day I had to send one of them in wearing a Romans costume, with tins for the Harvest, or money for a charity I had never heard of. I had to make sure that they went in with their books on the correct days, that they remembered to take their instruments in, and that after school everyone knew which clubs we would be rushing off to and what kit we would need for that too. We’d get home from Ballet or Beavers and try and fit in spellings and reading and more music practise, we’d rush our dinners and not properly engage in conversation because well by that time I was so drained I was slurring my words. Then before I knew it I’d tuck them into bed and wonder if I’d actually seen my children that day – actually really seen them.
We were used to being busy; we were used to being so busy that my chest was tight every day. When the schools shut and we knew we would be home for the foreseeable I could finally breathe again. I had my children safe at home, just us against the world. All the clubs and running around had stopped just like that! I laughed with my children, we attempted to bake some really awful biscuits, we played games, opened activities that they had got for their birthdays 2 years ago but we hadn’t had time to do. We sat on the sofa and read in the middle of the afternoon, we went for walks past bedtime and just had lots of really slow uneventful days.
As lockdown started to ease I became anxious. Anxious that I wouldn’t be able to keep everyone safe, but also anxious about the idea of things ending and returning to normal. I wasn’t ready, the kids weren’t ready. They didn’t want to go back to school, we loved learning from home, and I honestly hadn’t said I don’t have time to my children for months. I did have time to stop and look at a drawing or Lego creation, I did have time to play play doh or snakes and ladders and I did have time to cuddle on the sofa for absolutely no reason at all.
Life has changed, my family has changed and I don’t know if I can or want to go back to how it was. For 9 years I’ve never wanted to live in Married quarters – the whole idea horrified me. But now now I don’t know. Now it has become an option. To take my children out of school, to move across the country to be with my husband and to homeschool. To slow the pace down, to live a little, travel during term time when we have a chance of actually affording it, and more importantly just being together. All of us – every day!
I don’t know if I’m having some kind of Covid crises, but I think now may be the time for a big change. I’m scared to make those changes, but I’m also scared of going back to a life of rushing and with not much meaning. I don’t want the clock to dictate conversation with my children.
Covid has given me the opportunity to start again – I just don’t know if I’m brave enough to take it!
